I guess I could consider this more of a documentary then anything more, as this is about the activities in my brain since the accident I’ve had in December 2007. All through my life, I have had glimpses into the past in my brain, almost living testimonials. Most have dismissed this as the brain creating imaginary images of textbook readings, however most of it I never read about until the images came… which spurred me to read more about the situations, or at least some glimpse on anything that could have brought it about. Whatever it may be, it’s been in my life as a whole. I used to have it tightly embraced, and controlled as it may be. I was in control of everything, until December 2007. During my accident, road impact occurred with my skull, causing cranial contusions that hindered my brains cognitive abilities quite a bit. I’m a Unix professional, which to this day scares the hell out of me since I’m at about 75% of my previous cognitive abilities.
That being said, the past is still there, but the flood gates have been released since… and I’ve been dealing with those thoughts and memories ever since that time. I’ve held it back most of the time, since it’s good to learn from but never helps to bring up. I just need someone to listen, one time.
At this timeframe, I feel tears… it’s not psychosis or anything like that… it’s memories of friends that in my memories have died and families that have been murdered. I have no feelings for any of these things, but I just want to cry. It’s an uncontrolled feeling, and it’s not directed at any of these items, but I just want to fall to my knees and forget because it’s making my mind tired.. and I just want to cry tears from what I have as memories.
Most are going to consider me mentally incoherent, or psychotic in some frame of reference. I’m perfectly sane and cognizant in every other realm of the mind. Imagine remembering war, out playing with your friends and doing something when suddenly you have a brief memory of something happening to you far in the past when you were doing something like that. It drew me in during the past, and I was the outcast in school because of it along with a couple other things. In the military, it made me a better person until my honorable discharge.
Now, I’m at the point that it’s driving me against the wall. I can not tell others because it is not something “normal” and I’ve seen the path taken when that happens. I’ve just wanted to make a mark on this world since I’ve come, and I hope I can do something good that can help this world before this consumes me mentally… and possibly even physically as it seems to be doing recently. My heart is irregularly beating and scans of my body are so far perfectly normal.